Things that are lost

This week was hard for me. I am glad I get to see my family this weekend for the baby shower. I think it might help to see important people in mine and my baby's life. I want so much to do the right things for my child, but I want to know the things for myself first so I know what I should be teaching and modeling for her.
My new year resolution is to gain a testimony of my own of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I made this resolution after several friends and family members a few weeks ago randomly let me know of their stories of gaining a testimony for themselves. I didn't ask them to tell me and I didn't know some of them struggled with their faith, but for some reason they told me. This is something I have never had. I have never been very strong in my faith, yet I have continued to mindlessly go to church on Sundays, some years more consistently than others. I didn't have enough reason to not believe in it to stop going completely, but I didn't really care either way. Basically it has just been something to do on a Sunday. I work graveyard shifts now so I'd like to be sleeping during the day on Sunday. I know I will soon have plenty of things to fill my Sunday, so if I am going to continue going to church I need a reason to do so. Having a testimony is very important to me so I can know if I am doing the right thing by giving up my sleep time and other things I could be doing.
I have been thinking about something since I got pregnant, but it didn't entirely hit me until this week while I sat in my childbirth preparation class. I thought about family and being together after we die. I have created such a tragedy for my daughter. I never knew how much it would hurt to know I'll never be sealed to my baby. My whole life I never thought it was important to me. I never believed in it, I never cared if I would be with my family again. I do care now, and now it is too late. I can't fix that for my baby. I will never be in a relationship with her dad other than just friends. I kept asking him to consider terminating his parental rights because I when I do get married to someone, I want that person to be able to adopt my child so we can be a family together. I know this is incredibly selfish of me to ask of him, he wants his daughter just as much as I do. I know it hurts him when I mention it, but he doesn't understand why I want it. I don't want to be lost or not remember her and not recognize her after I die. How sad would it be to not have the one thing I wanted more than anything? Or how hurtful will it be if I do get married and I am able to be sealed to my other children and my husband, but not her? This is something I have broken and I can't fix it. I don't have a logical answer. I never knew I wanted it, until I wasn't allowed to have it anymore. I just don't know how I will be able to teach her of eternal families if I have to tack on at the end of the lesson "this doesn't apply to you though, it only applies to people who have parents who were sealed to each other."
The result of this week was that I learned that I have a testimony of an eternal family. If it has started there, then maybe more will come in time. I just hope that the things I believe in in the future will not be as hurtful.