Mirror in the back of my brain

The final Months

2012-01-27T23:40:00.000-08:00

I am now at 7 1/2 months. According to the emails that are sent to me my baby now weighs about 3 lbs and is about 16 inches long.
I can definitely feel her touching both sides of my stomach several times per day, and I think she mostly lays sideways and kicks my left side... a lot. I think I would most definitely be a good candidate for the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" ...if I were naive, but I'm not.

I haven't had any weird cravings up until this week. I have never particularly liked chicken and I would never willingly go to KFC to get food if I got super hungry running errands, but on Tuesday I saw a picture of fried chicken and I knew I NEEDED some. I went to KFC and it was the BEST thing I've ever tasted in my entire life. I ate 3 pieces of chicken. It was completely satisfying. Today I was hungry and I thought about the wonderful chicken I had 2 days ago. I got in my car and went to KFC again and was very disappointed that I still dislike chicken. Total letdown. I guess I just really needed the chicken that day.

I had a wonderful time at the baby shower I had with my family. Baby Nikole received so many things she needed. I love all the homemade blankets, bibs, burp cloths, washcloths. It makes things more personal. I hope she chooses one as her favorite and appreciates the hands that made it. I know I have kept several of my own baby blankets that people made for me and I love those blankets dearly and still use them on my bed occasionally. My mother has tried many times (unsuccessfully) to throw them all away during my life. I don't even want to remember how many times I climbed in garbage dumpsters to retrieve them. Homemade things are important to me.
One thing I got that I would never have asked for and I would have never bought for myself, because I have always thought it was a frivolous thing, but I really wanted one so badly is the Diaper Genie! It is like jewelry dangling off my earlobes that cost way too much money, but I admire from afar, or like eating anything regular fat when I know that the stupid fat free kind is the one I should only dare eat! It was the first thing I put together when I got home! What a wonderful gift!

I know she got a lot of great things, and I am so thankful that I have people who care about her well-being. I tried to upload pictures, but this work computer isn't letting me connect my camera for some reason.

Things that are lost

2012-01-12T22:31:00.000-08:00

This week was hard for me. I am glad I get to see my family this weekend for the baby shower. I think it might help to see important people in mine and my baby's life. I want so much to do the right things for my child, but I want to know the things for myself first so I know what I should be teaching and modeling for her.
My new year resolution is to gain a testimony of my own of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I made this resolution after several friends and family members a few weeks ago randomly let me know of their stories of gaining a testimony for themselves. I didn't ask them to tell me and I didn't know some of them struggled with their faith, but for some reason they told me. This is something I have never had. I have never been very strong in my faith, yet I have continued to mindlessly go to church on Sundays, some years more consistently than others. I didn't have enough reason to not believe in it to stop going completely, but I didn't really care either way. Basically it has just been something to do on a Sunday. I work graveyard shifts now so I'd like to be sleeping during the day on Sunday. I know I will soon have plenty of things to fill my Sunday, so if I am going to continue going to church I need a reason to do so. Having a testimony is very important to me so I can know if I am doing the right thing by giving up my sleep time and other things I could be doing.
I have been thinking about something since I got pregnant, but it didn't entirely hit me until this week while I sat in my childbirth preparation class. I thought about family and being together after we die. I have created such a tragedy for my daughter. I never knew how much it would hurt to know I'll never be sealed to my baby. My whole life I never thought it was important to me. I never believed in it, I never cared if I would be with my family again. I do care now, and now it is too late. I can't fix that for my baby. I will never be in a relationship with her dad other than just friends. I kept asking him to consider terminating his parental rights because I when I do get married to someone, I want that person to be able to adopt my child so we can be a family together. I know this is incredibly selfish of me to ask of him, he wants his daughter just as much as I do. I know it hurts him when I mention it, but he doesn't understand why I want it. I don't want to be lost or not remember her and not recognize her after I die. How sad would it be to not have the one thing I wanted more than anything? Or how hurtful will it be if I do get married and I am able to be sealed to my other children and my husband, but not her? This is something I have broken and I can't fix it. I don't have a logical answer. I never knew I wanted it, until I wasn't allowed to have it anymore. I just don't know how I will be able to teach her of eternal families if I have to tack on at the end of the lesson "this doesn't apply to you though, it only applies to people who have parents who were sealed to each other."
The result of this week was that I learned that I have a testimony of an eternal family. If it has started there, then maybe more will come in time. I just hope that the things I believe in in the future will not be as hurtful.

And Her Name IS......

2011-12-23T23:08:00.000-08:00

I am excited to say that we have finally chosen a name. I know 25 weeks is a lot sooner than a lot of babies get named, but I have a need to have organization and planning.
I thought that I had my baby name list picked out my entire life. Turns out I didn't really like any of those names enough to call a person that for any length of time. I went through many baby name books and online lists and probably passed this name over a hundred times. It wasn't until I heard someone say it to me out loud yesterday that I knew this would be her name.

So her name will be Nikole Elcie Wilson. I want to call her Kole.

I am not sure about the spelling of Elcie yet so input is welcome. Her middle name is her dad's grandmother's name. I wanted a family name from that started with an E because her initials can be NEW. I read in one of the baby name books that initials that spell a word, any word, make for a more successful person in life. Who knows, but I am willing to take the risk to give her a better chance.

Do do list

2011-12-11T23:44:00.000-08:00

Pick a dang NAME! ...

I can't figure out what to name my future daughter. I know I still have 4 months left, but I like being prepared. I like having a detailed plan so I don't have to come up with anything last minute. Last-minute decisions are sometimes mistakes, and I have no desire to make a mistake when naming my child.
I don't want a name that is particularly popular, but I don't want an unspellable name like my own. I do like my name now as a 26 year old, but it was an enormous trial for me as a child.
These are the names I have come across lately that appeal to me, but I am completely open to other options, so make your ideas known to me for consideration. Her last name will either be my last name Olson or dudes last name Wilson ... depending on future choices of others.

Jaid, Daisy, Atlas, Lilly, Mahli, Eden, Lira, Evelyn, Nicole, Lucy, Corday, Pallas, Holly, Scout.

Let me know what you think. Also I would like to consider family history names, but I don't know any, so again, suggestions welcome.

Be an organ donor ... check!

I have always wanted to help people. This is an easy way to make my last impact on the world. Pretty much I don't plan on having much left of myself after I die to bury, so you don't need to plan on coming to look at my dead body in casket. Morbid much? ... a little, but I'd rather everyone know the plan before getting upset at my demise.
So as I was thinking about organ donation I started thinking about saving my kid's cord blood. IT IS SO EXPENSIVE!!! I almost immediately ruled it out because of the cost, but then I kept researching it. Did you know you can DONATE the cord blood for FREE? The only problem is that there isn't even one single hospital in Utah that collects donated cord blood. The only way I can donate is if I convince my doctor to get the free training to collect the cord blood. Anyway, I really want to help other kids. Usually it is kids that the cord blood helps since there isn't enough collected to help adults.

Collect baby stuff ...

I did recently get a bassinet from ksl.com for $20. It is pretty awesome. I laundered all the cloth parts and wiped down all the other parts with Clorox spray, so I am good to go. My friend and I went through her little girl clothes and I now have an assortment of clothing to start with and she also gave me her Boppy. I have always wanted one, so I am excited about it.
I wanted to know some opinions about used cribs. I know that it is frowned upon lately, but there seem to be a lot of used ones out there for sale, I just don't know if I should trust them when they say "barely used" or "good condition" I know that can mean a wide variety of things. Also when a crib is moved from one location to another or when it is taken apart and reassembled does it lose stability? I don't want to put my child in an unsafe situation.

These are my current things to think about and research. I like advice or resource links if you have them. Thanks.

Old Habits

2011-12-03T00:27:00.000-08:00

I really haven't been eating well. It was Thanksgiving! Come on! It was great. Lots of good food, people eating and chatting; its contagious. It was justified because I had Thanksgiving dinner at my house, I put a lot of effort into it, I reserve my right to eat whatever I want ... including leftovers! Yeah... well, that along with being a bit nauseated if I don't eat often enough has caused me to revert back to my old eating habit which is "I NEED TO FEED RIGHT NOW!" I am guessing this is similar to what vampires feel like, except they don't have the consequences of weight gain like us mere humans. I have gained 19 lbs since July. I am so afraid of gaining all the weight back that I just lost this year. I only have 16 lbs to go before I am exactly where I was. My doctor is not happy with my weight gain either. I was lectured about it for nearly an hour and was sent to a nutritionist. Obviously I know how to eat correctly, because I was quite successful at it.

I know I am pregnant, but my doctor said she still weighs under one pound. I can't really blame 19 pounds on her even though I would like to justify it that way. I was supposed to only have gained 10 lbs the entire time with healthy eating habits. Not doing well at it so far. She is just over half way done baking (22 weeks) and I have gained twice as much as I am supposed to in 40 weeks.

Anyway, on that note I will switch to a more cheerful subject!
The top left picture is my kid's profile. She was moving around a lot. In every monitoring of her she has never held still for more than half a second which made measuring her super hard for the doctors.
The top right is the 4D image. She kind of has a big nose, but whatever. Hopefully it is just all the goo that swims around in there with her that is just stuck to her face? Possibly?
The bottom left is her leg. All measurements were absolutely perfect. The due date is still April 6th.The bottom right is the one that shows she is a girl. Like I said, she wouldn't hold still, so it is just the lack of anything showing that proves her gender.

Here are a few more pictures of earlier weeks.

17 weeks, Gained 10 lbs, I had some help from my handy-dandy Spanx in this picture.

15 weeks, Gained about 5 lbs

10 weeks, Lost about 3 lbs at this point

Dear Family

2011-10-26T22:33:00.000-07:00

I was informed recently that I haven't posted a blog in a while; I have a very logical reason for this actually. The things going on in my life are difficult for people (my family) to understand, so I have just been keeping it to myself and to my friends who are happy for me rather than letting my family, who are the most important people to me, know about it. I am sad that it will disappoint my family, but I am not sad about what is happening.

About two weeks ago I let my mother in on the secret of my life and the news was received badly. She may have let some of you know already, but now I'd like to be the one to officially tell you all. This in no way reflects my mothers parenting skills or me rebelling against her in any way at all as I have not lived with her for nearly 10 years now. This has absolutely nothing to do with her. I am a grown adult and I have made my own life decisions. The reason I told her before I told any other of my family is out of respect to her being my mother and I didn't want her to find out from anyone except myself, but I was hurt by her reaction as I know she was hurt by what I had to tell her.

In early August I found out I was pregnant. I was afraid because I had a job that didn't pay very much and I had no health insurance. I didn't know how I was going to take care of myself let alone another person. The very next day I was called and offered a full-time job at a place I had applied to and interviewed many times, but I never got the job before. I never applied for or interviewed for the job that was offered to me and the last time I had applied at the place was 9 months before. They just kept my application on file and decided to hire me. The job came with great medical, dental, vision, life insurance and retirement. The staff are nice, the youth are kind to me, the job is simple and works well with my current life, I get paid more and there is opportunity for advancement.

The job offer was a blessing to me at the time that I needed it most. If Heavenly Father can give me the opportunity to provide for myself and for my child then I hope that my family will give me the chance to do the same. I don't need anyone else to ask me if I am going to give my kid up for adoption. Yes, I considered it at first. I also spoke with LDS Family Services and I looked on their website at many great families that are looking for a child. I understand that I could have been the blessing those families are looking for, but I decided this is my blessing to keep. I can have something good. If I was not given a way to make this work then I wouldn't be so selfish to keep this for myself, but there are ways that have been provided for me. There are ways that I can provide for the things I create, and there are many people who love and care for me and have faith that I can do this.

I know there will be many difficulties involved with having a baby in my life, but in what situation in life would a first baby not come with difficulties and challenges? EVERY new parent whether they are married or not face surprises that they never anticipated before the child was born. No one does it alone. I KNOW that one person should not do this alone, or that TWO people shouldn't do it alone. I do need help and kindness and support from family and friends in order to do this right, but even if I had to do it completely alone, there is not one person in this whole world who is better suited to be this child's parent than me.

The support and advice that I have been given by my family throughout the years of my life have given me the strength necessary to accomplish the goals in my life as an independent adult. I love and respect each one of you for placing yourselves in my life at both the important and unimportant times. I love sharing meals together and chatting about nothing at all and everything important. I love family gatherings where we can hug and catch up and share the joy in our lives. I love the short messages I get from my dear cousins when I get on the computer. These things may seem small or insignificant to the giver, but they are moments of happiness for me. There are many ways we can support and encourage one other even when we don't necessarily agree on everything.

Please support me in this goal that I want to accomplish, you will be pleased with the result, I WON'T fail. I will make many mistakes, I won't be perfect, but I will be great at it.

I don't say it often, but I do love you all.

Kjersty

P.S. I am 17 weeks now. I will find out if it is a boy or girl on November 1st.

Then and Now

2011-09-08T22:56:00.000-07:00

My friend came up to me at church last Sunday to tell me he had an awesome picture he found on his camera from last year in September when we went to the Greek Food Festival. The food was great, the picture ... well you decide. LOL. It makes me laugh. You can say what you want: it was a bad angle ... I'm sitting ... whatever. Its bad. Its 220 lbs at least at that point. Of course this picture also portrays me eating honey-covered doughnut holes. Very tasty, I'd probably eat them today if I had the opportunity, but I opt out of a lot of other things now-a-days to make up for it.

I took this picture last week, the beginning of September again. A year can make all the difference. So much hard work, exercising, eating better/less, Weight Watchers, riding my bike everywhere and a lot of determination have gotten me to 183 lbs. Huge difference, but not quite where I am "supposed" to be. Really I feel great. I've been overweight my whole life, this is huge for me. I know I'm not done losing weight, but for now I am content with relaxing and learning how to maintain my weight for a while. My worst fear is not knowing how to maintain. I've only learned how to gain and lose. This is my big test now. I've done pretty well with my New Years resolution. I'm not going to ruin it.

Favorite time

2011-08-22T04:03:00.000-07:00

I started a new job yesterday. I now am employed full-time by the State of Utah working graveyard shifts at a youth center. Not really the ideal job, but it is a great way to head in the direction that I want to go. I am also going to attempt to continue working 4 hours per day 5 days a week at my old job. I don't know how well that will work out, but I am going to give it a try. I have been listening to Dave Ramsey's audio book about getting out of debt.
My first attempt to start this process was putting my car for sale on ksl.com. I keep lowering the price, but only car dealerships will offer anything on it and only if I agree to purchase one of their cars to replace it. I am up-side down in my car loan about $2000. Ideally I would like to sell my car for what it is worth, so I would take the loss of $2000 and I'd like to get a new loan of about $5000 to pay that amount off and purchase a $3000 car. I don't need a new or nice-looking car. I just need one that will be safe and reliable. Currently I do not have my car registered because I keep hoping someone will want to buy my car. I ride my bicycle around everywhere. I actually like it a lot and I don't mind not having my car to drive. I never go anywhere very far anyway. I rode the train on Saturday and it was very relaxing to have someone else do the driving. Soon it will get cold and my bike will no longer be an option. So I need to sell my car soon or register it.
The second thing I did to get out of debt was get this second job. I'm not quitting the first one because I hope that I can put more toward bills this way rather than spending my excess money on things that don't help me in the long-run. The job I just got also has insurance benefits so I can finally go to the doctor and dentist for random things if I need to.
Dave Ramsey also recommends that before I start paying more than my minimum balance on things that I should save up an emergency fund. He's a smart fellow, I think I'll begin with that. I know something will come up soon that I will deem an 'emergency' and I don't want to disrupt my process of getting out of debt simply because there is an emergency.
These are my current goals, and I really need help achieving them. Please don't ask me to go out to eat or go to the movies or anything else that requires my money to be spent on THINGS rather than BILLS. I need your support and advice to get through this.
I'd like to end this on some other happy things I've been thinking about lately.
The news of good weather, summer and bright flowers are some of the reasons I love spring time. Heat, green grass, sprinklers and outdoor activities are reasons I love summer. The most exciting time is Halloween! I love dressing up, decorating, passing out candy and parties that happen for Halloween! Just the thought of it already makes me want to break out my Halloween box to get started and it is only August. I shop for decorations after each holiday so I pay usually no more than 25 cents for things. Its wonderful. Halloween! Its coming quickly.

Mid-life crisis

2011-03-02T22:45:00.000-08:00

I was one of the people who were in charge of the Valentine's dance at my work's school. I loved dances as a teenager and I love reliving my youth. I will probably be the totally embarrassing mother who chaperons dances when my kids are teenagers. These are a few pictures of me at the dance.

The dance was super fun for almost everyone. Especially for me. There were many more pictures of me at the dance. I love pictures.

So I saw a girl on a motorcycle yesterday. I decided I want one very badly. I'm nearing the end of my life anyway. I'll be 26 this year. Its time for me to have some fun.

Failures, misfortunes and successes

2011-02-20T07:54:00.000-08:00

We'll start with the success. I have been doing Weight Watchers for 7 weeks now, and have lost 18.1 lbs! I honestly thought I wasn't able to lose weight. I have been going to the gym at least 5 times per week, some days 2 times per day when it fits into my schedule. I do cardio every time for 35-45 minutes, then I do either my upper body or lower body on weights for about a half an hour. This is something that usually fits into my schedule and it was going great until...

This past week I started my new promotion at work, so now I am a Residential Advisor rather than a Youth Counselor. Don't get too excited, although it might look good that I am getting promoted, I am unfortunately still making the same amount of money. Anyway, this new job comes with hours of my own choosing, but since I have had doctors appointments this week, the hours I have chosen to work have interfered with my gym time. I only went to the gym 3 times this week, and I have been eating random leftovers out of the group home refrigerators. Not the healthiest choices. Since I haven't been doing well anyway, on Friday my roommate and I decided to get a Domino's pizza to share. It was delicious. I knew I was in trouble for my weigh in that happens every Saturday, but I felt that I had completely earned whatever weight gain I received.

On Saturday, I avoided that scale like it was the plague. Although I knew I deserved it, I still didn't want to see my hard work from the previous weeks being wasted. I finally got the courage and just told myself I had to do it. I stepped on the scale ... 201.9, I stepped off the scale thinking it had said 219, but then I got back on the scale to make sure ... 201.9, I stepped off then stepped back on ... 201.9. Weird, the scale must be unbalanced or something. I picked up the scale, shook it then put it back down and stepped on it ... 201.9. I repeated this several more times just to make sure it wasn't lying to me. Still it was the same. I had lost 3 more lbs this week! Even with all my random eating and my pizza, I didn't hold back on the pizza either. I ate a lot of it.

Later at the gym I stepped on the more high tech scale they have there to check my weight again and it was one pound more, but I was wearing a lot heavier clothes then when I weighed myself at home. I was so excited! I am very determined that I stick to this now, I know that it works and I can help myself so much by losing weight. Also I found out yesterday that I have super high cholesterol, even after I have been exercising and losing weight and eating better. I don't know what I am consuming to cause myself cholesterol. Hopefully I can do something with that. I thought only old people dealt with cholesterol. I am getting old though. 26 next month.

3 weeks

2011-01-18T12:56:00.000-08:00

I'm 3 weeks into this weight watchers thing. I've been going to the gym every day except Sundays. I think I'm doing alright. I feel like I have more strength in my arms and legs and my lungs are working better with the jogging. I am sticking to it.

I'm also doing a Book of Mormon challenge that our bishop gave us in my ward.

I'm working on my life right now. Physical and Spiritual. This year is for me.

Weight Watchers

2010-12-30T18:44:00.001-08:00

I know most of my posts are about weight loss. It is a constant struggle for me. Tomorrow I will be moving in with my friend Paula. She has been my friend since the day I was born and her family followed mine here to Utah from Texas when we moved. I hope the roommate situation works out, but we also made a weight loss deal. She has done weight watchers successfully in the past, but lost her determination along the way. Now that she has me and I have her, we are going to successfully follow Weight Watchers together. She is similar to me in both height, weight, and stature so I think that we will work hard to encourage each other to complete our goals. If any of you have or are doing weight watchers, I would love the encouragement and ideas of meals and success stories to keep me going. Thanks.

Prison Riot

2010-06-14T20:06:00.000-07:00

Some of you might already know that I went to West Virginia last month to the WV State Penitentiary. Most of it was very fun. Some of it was extremely painful. This prison riot is held every year to help train police officers, corrections officers, military and SWAT teams to prepare for riots that may occur. The riot scenarios last about 15 minutes each and they are held in all different areas of the prison all day long for 4 days. The officers act as officers, and we (Weber State Students) act as inmates.
One of the scenarios took place on a prison bus so they could learn how to control inmates on a transport situation when they are rioting on a bus. I got to throw objects at the officers, hit them, kick them, whatever I wanted to do. The thing is that the more of a fight we put up, the more force the officers are allowed to use on us. Lets just say they ended up having to drag me feet first along the isle of the bus allowing me to hit into as many seats as possible. LOL. At least it was well deserved punishment for the fight I put up.
So I have a video for this next part. I've never put a video on my blog before so you'll have to tell me if it works.
Many companies come to this Mock Prison Riot every year to show off their technologies to use in riot control. Some companies allow us to "test" their equipment. Everyone was doing it, seriously, I had to. Its like a right of passage, they would think me a wuss if I didn't. Plus I told all the kids at my work that I would do it, I couldn't just not do it! (I realize that was a double negative) So here is the video of me getting Tased. It is the exact voltage and length of time, 5 seconds, that cops tase people for, so don't tell me that it is too dangerous to use one people. I am fine, there are no residual effects of being tased. Well, except for the burn scars it left from the electricity burning my skin, which are very tiny, like the size of my pinky finger nail.

Day 13 of HCG

2010-03-04T17:35:00.000-08:00

Dear everyone,
I cheated on my diet today. My girl scout cookies came... I ate 4 Samoas. I thought I'd hold myself accountable for it and I'm sure I'll pay for my cheating. Blast!!
The end.

Day 10

2010-03-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

As of today I have lost 8.5 lbs and 10.9 inches overall. Yesterday and the day before I had a little set back where I gained 1 lb each day. It was miserable, but now I'm back on track and I'm half a pound less than where I was before I gained those 2 dreaded pounds. I don't know how I could have possibly gained weight doing this diet, every single thing that I do can only possibly make me lose weight.
I worked a graveyard shift on Friday night and was very hungry during the night, but I had already eaten my allotment of food for the day. I decided a handful of strawberries would be okay to eat and I would just take them out of my next day of food allotment. Well, when I got home from my graveyard shift, went to bed and woke up four hours later to weigh myself I had gained a stupid pound. I don't think the strawberries could have messed with the program that much, so I think it had to do more with my sleeping hours being so messed up for the day.
Sunday morning before I got ready for church I weighed myself as usual, because I like to weigh myself at the same time every day before I get dressed. Much to my dismay I had gained another pound! I took the liberty of checking online for what to do in this situation and it said for me to have an apple day.
Apple day = 6 apples and as much water as I want for the entire day. Nothing else... just 6 apples. I've got to tell you, by the 4th apple I couldn't look at another apple let alone eat it. It was not because the apples filled me up, it was because I am not a fan of apples to begin with, and I would rather starve than eat another stupid apple!
Anyway, when I woke up this morning and weighed myself I had dropped those 2 extra and half more of a pound. Thank you apple day! I will probably utilize another apple day in this 30 day adventure.
I don't feel like I look different, but I take my measurements every day and put them on an excel chart, so I know it is working. Plus I can already fit into my jeans that have been folded in my closet forever because I haven't been able to fit in them for a few years.

Day 5

2010-02-24T09:13:00.000-08:00

So far I have lost 4 lbs and 5.2 inches overall and its only day 5. The first 2 days I gained 1 lb and then I've been dropping 1.2 or 2 lbs per day.
This diet really isn't hard to live by because I'm hardly ever hungry and the meals stuff me to the brink of explosion. It really isn't very much food, but I just don't desire to eat food all that much. The recipes that I have are very tasty and they even have desert recipes.
My first real temptation was yesterday at staff meeting when a person brought in donuts. They were the good kind too with the cream inside... They were within my reach, even while sitting. I could smell them with every breath I took. They were a very big distraction while I was supposed to be listening in staff meeting. I didn't eat one though... I did well. It was hard though, which is rather odd because I have never liked donuts. I used to work at a donut shop and I never ate a donut. Weird huh?

HCG Diet

2010-02-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

This is the diet that my uncle and aunt completed with success. I talked to my uncle, then I did a LOT of research on the internet and read a book about the research behind the diet, then I ordered the product. It came yesterday so today is my Day 1.
Today my ultimate goal is to eat as much as I possibly can to give the HCG quick access to fatty foods so it can soak into my system and not make me ravenously hungry. I have to take 6 drops of the product 6 times per day. I have now taken my first dose and it gives an odd tingly sensation to my mouth, but it doesn't taste bad, I didn't really even taste it before it absorbed into my mouth. Yeah, I didn't really have an opportunity to swallow it because it was gone before I could swallow. I hope that's how it is supposed to be.
Anyway, I have to take before and after photos, but I don't know if I should put the before photo on here until I have the after photo to compare it to.

Day 3, Final day of Grapefruit and Egg diet

2010-02-10T17:41:00.000-08:00

I did not follow directions today, therefore I am starving and cranky right now.
I had a million things to do today and I just wanted to stop somewhere and eat something. I didn't of course, because I am too stubborn to let a stupid 3 day diet beat me.
I was out running errands when it was time for my afternoon snack and I didn't get home until after dinner time. I went to the gym this morning for a while, then I was doing taxes for my brother this morning, then his FAFSA, then registering him for the ACT, then went grocery shopping, then babysat while grocery shopping, then picked up someone's kid from day care, then took her home, then took the other kids to my house, then I had to make them dinner because they were whining about being hungry, then I finally made my stupid dinner of 4 oz of chicken and a salad.
When I sat down to eat my dinner I hated the salad for being salad, so I ate the chicken and left most of the salad. Then since I didn't get my afternoon snack I decided to cut up my apple and eat it, but I'm still babysitting so the girls were eating my apple slices too, which only frustrated me more, because I was hungry, I didn't want to share. What was I supposed to do though? Yell at them for eating my apple?
Anyway, so now I'm not as hungry as before but the salad is still sitting on my plate. I probably should eat it, but I hate it so much right now and I just want to eat more meat...with A1 sauce.
I haven't even gotten a shower yet today. I'd say this is a negative day.
I'm glad I'm taking the weekend off. Next week will be the 3 apple a day diet. Its also 3 days long.

Day 2 of Grapefruit and Egg diet

2010-02-09T20:39:00.000-08:00

I'm amazed that I am not hungry. This is actually not too shabby. This morning when I woke up I weighed myself because it was the same time that I weighed myself the day before on the first day. So the same time only 24 hours later on the same scale that hadn't been moved anywhere showed that I had lost 3 lbs. I don't know that it is accurate or if my weight just fluctuates that much over 24 hours normally, but that is what it displayed. I weighed myself multiple times each time in order to get an accurate reading in case I was standing weird one of the times, so I don't think the scale was wrong.
Anyway, seeing the 3 lb weight loss made me so pumped for today. I wasn't even hungry for breakfast, but I ate it exactly as the menu says. In fact, I wasn't really hungry for any of the meals or snacks, they kept me perfectly balanced... not hungry, not full.
As I drove around running errands today I saw an ice cream shop. Normally I would not have even noticed ice cream, because it makes me sick and I don't really like sugar, but today for some reason it was calling to me. I didn't give in.
My roommate wants sugar, That is what she said. She also convinced me that we shouldn't start our next 3 day diet till Tuesday because she wants to go out to eat on the weekend for Valentines day and then Monday is also a holiday. lol. She is giving me a free-bee and I'm so dang tempted to eat some ice cream and my chocolates that sit on my counter that have been sitting there since I got back from New Zealand and haven't tempted me at all until now. I'm not going to do it... Well maybe the chocolates.

Grapefruit and egg diet

2010-02-08T20:14:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day of a 3 day diet. The menu repeats itself each day. Today I kept track of my caloric intake on caloriecounter.com and eating everything exactly as required on the diet according to the website I have had 1114 calories today. I didn't exercise today even though I should have and I had plenty of time. As of this first day I feel fine. I didn't really feel hungry today in between meals, but I felt quite empty, if that makes sense. I just feel like I need some substance in me. It's 9:30 pm now and I keep thinking that I want a snack, but then I have to remind myself that I am on a strict diet. So, yeah, I guess I'm a little hungry now. I'm just going to go to bed. I didn't even drink a whole water bottle full of water today. My roommate says that the food is really bland so she is putting salt and pepper on things, I'm pretty sure salt is against the rules. LOL. Oh well. She's doing her best. I'm going to the gym tomorrow so maybe that will give me some incentive to drink more water. My This is the menu that I will be following from today, Monday, until Wednesday.

Breakfast

One cup coffee or tea, no sugar, no milk
One egg, cooked however you like
One slice whole wheat toast, no butter
1/2 grapefruit, no sugar or other sweetener

Snack

1 slice whole wheat bread/toast, no butter
2 eggs, whites only

Lunch

1/2 grapefruit, no sugar or other sweetener
Mixed salad or steamed veggies.
One tablespoon olive or flaxseed oil with lemon juice for salad dressing.
One cup coffee or tea, no sugar, no milk

Snack

1 medium apple
1 serving part skim string cheese
2 eggs, whites only
One cup coffee or tea, no sugar, no milk

Dinner

1/2 grapefruit, no sugar or other sweetener
Four ounces of any meat, fish or poultry you choose, baked, broiled or sauteed in a little olive oil
Mixed green salad with lemon juice for dressing, no oil
Steamed or raw veggies, all you can eat

10 Day Diet

2010-02-04T19:34:00.000-08:00

My roommate and I are planning on starting some sort of 10 day diet. We don't know which one of the millions to choose from. I know that many women out there have been on many diets, and I want recommendations. We'd like to know of ones that worked or didn't work and for what reasons. We are evaluating all 10 or less day diets without regard to price or effort that must be put into them. Hard diets, easy diets, work-out diets, gross food diets, raw-food diets... anything. Suggest Everything and anything. We are planning on researching each diet to find what would be ideal for us. Help us in our adventure please. I will write about the diets we choose to do and post our results to help future people. Thank you. Post anything.

One Month

2010-01-09T13:05:00.000-08:00

I've been here for an entire month today. Supposedly one month is not a long time at all to travel here in New Zealand. Nearly every person I have me that is visiting has told me they are here for a year to a year and a half. Some have been here 3 years. The average is about 1 1/2 years though. Most of those people are backpackers that are here alone and are able to travel at their own free will. I have things to get back to. Its been great here, amazing really. My one month has been so full of things that I hope will stay in my mind forever. I took a lot, A LOT of pictures. I have written in my journal about my trip. I have written these blogs about my adventures. Hopefully I will be able to go back to some of these things one day and remember that it wasn't just a dream, that it really did happen.
I've done so many things on this trip that I have never done before, that I was absolutely terrified to do. I did them and the things didn't turn out to be as scary as I thought they would be.
Still on my list to do in my lifetime would be things like bungee jumping, sky diving, and white water rafting again, because I had such a bad attitude about it this time. I'm sure I've got many adventures ahead of me in life, and I kind of feel like traveling around the States would be a neat thing to do too. I love history and our country is full of it. I need to see it.
I'm coming home today at 11 pm and I'll get home today at 9 pm, 2 hours before I even left. It sounds weird I know, but the time difference is going to mess with me a lot. Hopefully I'll be able to get back on schedule with the jet lag. I work on Monday!

The world? Amazing

2010-01-06T22:09:00.001-08:00

Who are we compared to the world? Astonishing the grandure of it all. I am standing on top of a glacier that is next to an enormous mountain. There is nothing like this place... just on the side of the road I was driving on, there was this gigantic Ice that looked like mountain. We hiked up it and tried to take a picture to show how tall the mountain was. I am so small in this picture and you still can't see the top. I'm telling you, these mountains are WAYYY taller than anything Utah has, seriously. There is NOTHING like it.

This is wendy standing on the edge of the glacier. It is way thin right there and it goes down so far we couldn't even see the bottom. It was amazing.

By the way, I've been driving if anyone cares... lol. I only went on the wrong side of the road once and it wasn't even a busy road.

This is where we slept the night before last night. It is an actual train box-car. It was great. It was used for mail. Very interesting accomidation. It said "unique" lol. Yeah Unique.

This is on a cruise that we went on. It was fantastic. It was the perfect time to go because it had been raining the few previous days so the waterfalls were falling so heavily. So beautiful.

So again I ask... What are we compared to the amazing place that is our world?

ParaSailing, Jet boating and White Water Rafting

2010-01-01T01:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday early in the morning we got our butts out of bed and walked to the warf to meet the boat to go parasailing. Here in Queenstown everything is in walking distance. We haven't used the car in 3 days while we have been here.
It has been cold here, not because of the temperature, but because of the bone-chilling wind. It comes from Antarctica so it has no time to heat up before it reaches us in New Zealand.
We questioned ourselves as we walked head-on into the wind if we really should go out in the water in this cold weather, but we kept on at it. We got to the boat and went out to where the waves were less rough so we wouldn't come crashing into the water once we were in the air. We got strapped in and went flying 600 feet above the boat and the water. With nothing but air between us and our death, we hoped that the parachute was secure.
It was so fun. There is nothing like flying in the freezing air strapped by tiny hooks attatched to a large piece of faberic. Its a lot of trust in these people who I have never met, and a lot of lack in control on my part. I hate not being in control, but it is so freeing.
I have pictures, I'll post them later.
White water rafting I will write about tomorrow. I need some sleep now.

Kayak adventure

2009-12-29T01:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was so cold in Franz Josef. The glacier tours were not something that interested me. I didn't come here to play on a giant ice cube. Luckily after the annoying event of Wendy and I having to spend the night in two separate hostels down the street from each other, because they only had one bed left each, we were able to leave and come to wherever we are now where it is warm. We had a walk down to the beach and went for a ride on a double kayak. The wind was quite strong so It was really hard to control it with the waves so large. We rode around the lake for 40 minutes, that felt more like 10 minutes. The waves pushed us back to shore and we were dumped out by the waves and the kayak filled completely with water. We decided to get separate kayaks after that. It was fun, but these random guys ran into my kayak with their paddle boat and grabbed hold of my kayak and started dragging me along with them. They were drunk and I was hitting them with my paddle and splashing them with water as I tried to get away. I didn't want them to tip me over. I wasn't mad or anything. They were just flirting and I was flirting back, but I have this horrible fear of drowning in water, so inside I was freaking out a little. I am a good swimmer, I just don't want other people to drown me. Anyway. It was fun after I got away. We laid out in the sun to dry off and then we got an actual soft-serve ice cream cone from an ice cream truck. I've never seen them make actual ice cream cones. They always sell the pre-packaged stuff. It was tasty. Then I got sick of course because I am lactose intolerant. But it was worth it. Yummy.

LOTR

2009-12-26T23:06:00.000-08:00

Now on my LOTR tour I found "My Precious" Its huge isn't it? Welp, I guess they used many different rings for the 'one and only'. It was kinda cool. This one is the one they used where it was spinning or something... I don't know. I wasn't paying attention. It is now mounted on green stone which is worth almost its weight in gold. We saw this at the WOW museum in Nelson, NZ. It is the World of Wearable art museum. I wish I could show you pictures of some of the wearable art, but no cameras were allowed. They don't want people copying their fashion designs.

Well, only 3 minutes remaining on the computer, so I'll write more later, bye.

Black water rafting, Day... umm I lost count

2009-12-22T00:01:00.000-08:00

Today I went black water rafting in the Waitomo caves. It was the most exciting, exhilirating experience of my life. I repelled down a really tiny hole that I barely fit through for 150 feet then climbed up and down the cave, ziplined in the pitch black down who-knows-how-far of the cave, then jumped off a 15 foot cliff on a tube into the freezing water in the freezing cave. Floated up and down the cave river then climbed through more of the cave and rock climbed up through waterfalls in the cave and through some more tight holes and back out into the world.
It was amazing. There were eels swimming with us in the water and there were glow-worms all over the top, there were stelagtites and stelagmites everywhere that we couldn't touch because we might break them.
We were underground in the cave for 5 hours in foul smelling water. It was great. I've never been so scared in my life, but I am so happy that I did it!
I have pictures and I will post them later, I just only have 5 minutes left on this community computer at the Hostel I am staying at.
Hostels are great by the way, you never know who you will be sharing a room with. They just put you where ever they have a bed. Mostly it is guys that travel and stay in hostels so we share rooms with like 4 other guys usually. We don't really talk to them though because we are so tired by the end of the day, we just want to sleep. It is smelly like boys though. Anyway This is great. I'll update and hopefully post more pictures if I get a chance before I come back. 3 more weeks left.

Day 9 Zoo and market day

2009-12-18T21:32:00.000-08:00

Today we went to the zoo. We saw lots of animals that do not exist in America. The kiwi bird does not have wings to fly so it is endangered.

We saw a tuatara which is a prehistoric reptile. It was around when the dinosaurs were here. It only exists here in New Zealand because there were not any predators to eat it until people brought them. They are now endangered. It is only as long as a person's forearm, but can be as long as a grown person's arm. The oldest one that has ever been recorded is 111 years old, his name is Henry.

We saw some zebras and giraffes. Sebastian took a picture of me in front of them.

Wendy and I went to an old island. We went to this market to get some nice fresh strawberries.

This is a picture of Wendy and I while we waited for the ferry to take us back to Auckland.

This is the where I carved my name on the railing at the top of Rangitoto volcano.

I've been having a great time here. I am tan and warm most of the time. I've had things to do and I haven't gotten bored yet. We are leaving to road trip down the country on Monday so I don't know if I will have Internet access again before I am back in Utah. We will be driving for the next 3 weeks and staying in hostels and doing various dangerous activities like black water rafting, rock climbing, repelling, bungee jumping (if I can get up the nerve), para sailing, snorkeling, and of course driving on the wrong side of the road on the wrong side of the car going 100 km per hour.

Day 4 of NZ

2009-12-13T22:56:00.000-08:00

The past few days I have been to the beach. These are some of the people I've met.

played on the trampoline in the back yard with Wendy's niece Alex.

I went to the Auckland war memorial museum today. This next picture is of the tiki, it is worn into battle and it is usually made of green stone and it gives luck. Green stone is also called pounamu.

This is Wendy and I in front of an extinct elephant.

Tomorrow we are taking a ferry to another island I think.

We saw a lot of really neat things at the museum but my videos wouldn't upload so I'll try and figure it out. I've learned a lot of Maori (native new zealanders) words, because they use the words mixed with their own version of English. lol. Yeah, we speak different languages. Whoever said English was English, didn't really know what they were saying.

Officially on vacation

2009-12-12T15:18:00.000-08:00

I arrived here in New Zealand after a 12 hour flight. It wasn't so bad actually. I slept for nearly 9 hours of the flight. The neck pillow was a life saver. I can't imagine having to be awake the entire time. I'm sure the other people around me didn't sleep as well as I did because I tend to snore... loudly. Lol. My new roommate and friend that I came to visit, Wendy, also dislikes me snoring at night. I tried using a breathe right nasal strip, but I have a bit of a stuffy nose so I still was snoring. Hopefully either my stuffy nose will go away or she will get used to my snoring because it will be a long month having me here if she can't sleep at all. lol Sorry Wendy. I am staying with her and her family till next Monday just hanging around Auckland, then Wendy and I will make our was down the North Island and be at her grandfathers house for Christmas day. Later that day we will take a ferry to the South Island and drive to places there and have plenty of adventures.
Yesterday we went to a park, the trees are so weird here. the tree trunk was about 15 feet across, but was a circle with a hollow center. There were tunnels and lots of places to climb on the tree. It looked like an adventure tree with slides made from part of the trunk. It was all grown naturally that way. I got a picture of it on my friends camera because I forgot my own. I'll try and post it later.
So far things are great. I think I am finally getting over the time difference of an entire day, less 4 hours. Today is Sunday and it is a little half and hour after noon. I don't know where church is so I didn't go today.
They drive on the wrong side of the road here, but I do have an international drivers license. It is very strange being on the drivers side of the car, but being the passenger instead of having the steering wheel in front of me.

New Zealand

2009-12-01T09:11:00.000-08:00

I am nervous. I am excited to see my friend again. I leave in 8 days from now and I'm staying there for an entire month. If you need me, you probably shouldn't call me because it will cost a lot of money for both of us... unless its an emergency of course. I'll be back January 10th to see all your sun-shiny faces again. The best part about it is that I get to miss an entire month of winter. It is summer time right now in New Zealand. I am taking summer clothes and dresses and swimsuits. I'm getting an international drivers license. Pretty freaky huh? Me driving on the opposite side of the road on the other side of the car. Lol. It will be funny. I'll try and blog while I'm there. If you need to contact me I'm guessing email is the best bet. My email address is Kjersty@gmail.com or write me on facebook. It'll be great.

I did my own hair!!! Take a look

2009-10-30T11:46:00.002-07:00

I have been wanting a major hair color change for a while now, but the reason it took so long for me to make the change was because I knew with my dark hair I would have to bleach it out first so a lighter color would show up on my hair. I didn't want just highlights in my hair, I wanted an overall hair color change. So here is a picture of my beautiful virgin hair before I bleached it all by myself.

I bleached it with 3oz of Wella powder bleach with 40 volume developer. I know I'm not supposed to use bleach with a 40 v developer, but that's all I had and I didn't want to go buy another bottle. I did a test strip first to see how long I needed to leave it on, then I did the whole thing... it was so scary to do it myself. I couldn't see if it was even or if I got all of it. So when I rinsed it out my hair was a variety of colors of YELLOW/BRONZE/ORANGE!!! I couldn't stand to have the bleach on any longer because my scalp was burning (no wonder the girls cry on the show America's top Model.)
I forgot to take a picture of my hair after the bleach, but believe me it was horrendous! but not unexpected.
Then I put the color on my hair. It was 6/03 Natural Brown color, which should have lightened my hair a few shades lighter than the picture above. So let's review
Dark Hair + Bleached out Hair + 6/03 color = Final Product
TaDa!! You're gonna laugh!!

It went to almost EXACTLY the same color as it was before! There is a tiny hint of a reddish tone to my hair now, but that's it. LOL! Not exactly the change I was going for, but I guess it is much better than it could have been. My hair could have fallen out, but it didn't. I'm just gonna go get some highlights or something now, then I'll feel like I accomplished something. At least my hair is still pretty and shiny, the bleach didn't seem to damage it much.

Where Technology Meets Mayhem

2009-09-23T14:17:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I know that you will think I am insane, but this is the neatest thing ever that I get to experience. In May 2010 I get to participate in a mock prison riot. http://mockprisonriot.org/MPR/INDEX.ASPX This is something that is done every year to test out the latest and most innovative ideas of technology made for controlling people. I am participating as an inmate, not an officer, so yes I will probably be shot at with some sort of non-deadly/less-lethal rounds during scenarios. I might be tazed and/or pepper sprayed with my consent in various workshops that I choose to attend. I'll most likely come back with some battle wounds and maybe some scars. Also, I am paying for the privilege. It sounds dangerous, it is dangerous, but it sounds nothing but exciting to me. I am so stoked to be offered this opportunity as a post graduate. It is normally only offered to current students, but one of the professors knew that I have wanted to do this for the past several years but it wouldn't fit into my schedule, this year it does. Again, I know this sounds rather bizarre to you, but this is the stuff I live for. It makes me happy.

Sisters? NO!

2009-09-17T19:46:00.000-07:00

A girl that I don't necessarily care to be associated with keeps popping into my life in various ways. When I was in high school people would tell me that we looked alike, or people would call me her name thinking that I was her, or vice-versa, I suppose. Today, while at work a teenage boy asked me if I had a sister with this girl's name. I said no and then I asked him what her last name was. He didn't know her last name, but began to describe her life and I knew immediately who he was talking about. I said that I had never heard of anyone by that name. My stupid smile that I do when I lie gave it away that I knew her. He said "whatever, she is too your sister, I'm going to ask her about you when I get out of here." I was so annoyed. I hate being compared to this girl. I do not think we look at all alike, but it is very odd that out of all of the female Hispanic people in my city he would associate her with me even though he has never met me before and is simply a neighbor to her. WE DO NOT LOOK ALIKE! I would put a picture of her and me side-by-side on here, but I don't want her getting onto my blog for some odd reason and reading that I was talking about her.

2009-08-09T12:47:00.000-07:00

I just swore for the first time in my entire life yesterday, it just came out in the middle of my sentence. Why would I even do that? I don't even think swear words in my head and it just came out as if I had been doing it my whole life. Don't give me the "you're only human and everyone makes mistakes" argument, because I refuse to believe that because swearing just is not in me. I've been so proud of being able to say that I had never sworn even though no one ever believed me, but I was satisfied with knowing that I knew the truth. I can no longer say that ever again. I never even swore when it said a swear word in the Scriptures because I thought that once my mouth said it then it might get used to saying it.
So now what? Do I just swear now? The reason that I had never sworn was because I liked saying that I had never done it before and was not about to start now, but now it's over. What am I going to say now... I haven't sworn since yesterday. Wow, big woop. The sentence that destroyed my language skills was "Yes, you are going to clean the d@#n bathroom."
I had a look of shock and horror on my face as the sentence exited my mouth, and the person I was talking to thought that he was the one who had done something wrong. He did not even notice my Freudian slip. Why is swearing such common behavior that it has absolutely no shock value to people who hear it?

Life and death

2009-05-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

What good is a life if it leaves nothing behind but pain? Death is stupid. I know it is a necessary part of life, but how can anyone be done? I do not plan on dying unless it helps someone else. Although I am alone, my life is valuable to me and I know that I'm worth something big in life. There has got to be a purpose to this life. I am trying to accomplish everything in my power before I die so that a lot of people will try to help other people as well. I can teach people how to help other people, how to care about people other than themselves. I hope to have children to teach, so they can teach others.

Reading is important, let a teenager read to you for a while. Its okay if they struggle, help them, they want to know how to read, and they adore the one-on-one attention, even if they pretend to hate it.

Invite people to church and go with them to their church even if it isn't your religion. You can learn a lot from someone else's faith. It doesn't mean you have to convert to their religion, but the knowledge won't hurt you. Religion is a beautiful thing. Don't close your mind to other faiths.

Wake people up nicely. Everyone has a better day if they are woken up to a loving voice rather than yelling or a harsh alarm. Let them know you care, even if you had a bad day with them the day before. Its a new day, don't hold it against them, it will only continue bad feelings.

Give a hug. It might be the last time you hold them in your arms.

Teenagers die too, be nice to them. Don't say mean things about them or to them until you know what they are going through. I doubt you will still want to say the mean things.

Love you all.

I hope we all live long and prosperous lives. (Yes, I just saw Star Trek. It was fantastic)

The Cruise

2009-04-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

It went rather well. I enjoyed the shows, the people I met, the time I spent with family and the country of Mexico. I didn't get kidnapped, nor did anyone I know. There was an individual who I met on the cruise who I would have been okay with getting kidnapped after an incident on the second to last day of the cruise, but we can't have everything we want. We met some entertaining people. There was an older couple who's company we very much enjoyed. We met them while we had our safety drill on the first day. They were hilarious with all sorts of very comical dramatized explanations of life experiences they have had. Who knows if they were telling the truth, but they were funny.
I bought some purses, they are really cute. One of the purses I didn't have enough money for, and I had gotten the price down as far as I possibly could. I needed 8 more dollars, but I didn't have anything more. I even tried dazzling the guy, but he wouldn't budge, he said his boss would literally murder him if he went any lower on the price. I wouldn't want to cause his death, and we were in Mexico, so it is very likely that he was being honest about having his life be threatened if he didn't meet his quota. I still was determined about the purse but was very nearly going to leave it, but then a man asked me how much I needed, and I told him, and he said he would pay the difference so I could get the purse. It was so nice of him to offer that and I said that I was okay with leaving the purse, but he insisted that I take it. His wife who was also trying to get a good deal on the purse she had her eye on, but the guy also wouldn't go down any further on her purse. So instead of buying her purse, she insisted that I get the one I wanted when she wouldn't even pay $20 for the purse she wanted. They were very nice people and I promised them I'd buy them a drink if I ran into them on the ship, I never did see them again, but they took a picture of me and my purse.
I thought that it would be warm because being a cruise in and of itself, sounds like a warm activity. Alas, I was wrong, oh so wrong. It was very cold the entire time on the ship. There was a very fun-looking pool and water slides on the deck, but we never got to try it, because it was so cold. There were quite a few hot tubs, but they were always constantly filled with screaming drunk teenagers, which I didn't really think looked very appealing to join.
The massive amounts of food was great. Endless pasta which Shayna and I both thoroughly took full advantage of, the constant bowl of pineapple was my pleasure. There were an array of tiny-sized deserts, which were perfectly sized for sampling and immediately discarding, because they were much better looking than tasting. I tried a small bite of nearly all of them by the end of the cruise. I only found 1 or 2 that I could tolerate. I usually just resorted to the ice-cream bar to cleanse my pallet of all the foul tasting fine deserts.

Going on a cruise

2009-03-07T00:00:00.000-08:00

I've been a bit of a pessimist lately so it shouldn't surprise you to hear that I am nervous for this cruise. I will be leaving in about 7 hours from now, but I feel no excitement, only worry. I hope I will come back and write grand stories of the marvelous time I had, but for now, I will keep my eyes open and my purse close...I wish I could take my gun. I hear there have been a lot of kidnappings in Mexico lately.

The Great Wall

2009-02-25T17:32:00.000-08:00

I'm so tough, so hard, so emotionless. I tell myself this all the time. Things that cannot penetrate my thick wall that I have built so tightly around myself cannot hurt me. I will not be hurt, I can't be hurt. Who dares to tear down my sturdy barrier brick by brick, to tear me down piece by piece? It can't be done, or so I thought.
Things happen so quickly, or so secretly over time that it seems to rush on all at once.
People leave, people die, I leave people I care about, or I just don't care about the people who care about me. So many ways for my thick shield to be taken from me. Seeing things from another person's view is so different from my own perspective. I help people from my side, I hurt people from theirs. No balance. Seeing is believing, which alters ones state of mind to see other perspectives.
Sad hurts, love still turns to sad. Conclusion. No love = no sad = no hurt.

First time Skiing!!

2009-01-21T10:14:00.000-08:00

I have always shied away from anything snow related. As you can imagine, this means skiing, snowboarding, sledding, or going out in the snow in the winter at all in general are all contrary to what I would normally do. This winter I have gone sledding with my work kids a few times, and they even convinced me to go down the hill a couple times after agreeing to do whatever I asked them to do for the rest of the day. I didn't die falling down the mountain on the ridiculous sled, but I did fall off the sled and roll down most of the hill, but I look at the up-side and remember that I still didn't die.
I went skiing at Wolf Mountain on Monday. It was so much fun. Brooke convinced me to go, and reluctantly I agreed. It was awesome. I only fell down 3 times, once at the beginning when I got off the lift for the first time and then twice more the last time we went down a harder hill. It turns out that I have much more control over skis than I do over a stupid sled. At least I can stay on the skis.
One time when we were on the lift, one of my skis fell off. The nice worker people handed my fallen off ski to the nice people behind me to give to me once we reached the top. I hadn't really thought of it before it had already happened, but when I reached the top I realized that I did not know how to get off of the lift with only one ski attached to my foot. I decided that did not count as my second fall of the day. I think in that sort of case it would have been better to be on a snowboard because then either I would have the snowboard to get off the lift on, or I would have dropped the snowboard off the lift, then I would have both of my feet available to catch myself as I got off the lift.
I want to try snowboarding next, so if anyone wants to go with me to teach me, I am willing to go along. I went down twice on the slight hill that the kids go on before Brooke told me that the big hill is the same as the kid one, so even though I knew she was not telling me the truth, I agreed that I had enough training and we got on the lift and went up. So really if anyone wanted to teach my how to snowboard, I can probably learn the same way. Just don't take me on a really hard one okay?

2008-12-16T20:09:00.000-08:00

I am in Texas right now with my family. My grandpa is going to die. I have seen him, and by the way he looks, I think it would be much better for him if he does die soon. Tomorrow my grandma has to make the decision to take him off the machines that are running his body for him. The hard part is that he responds to us, he looks at us, he can move his head a little bit to say yes and no, and he can feel pain, but his body is almost completely dead.

He had his colon removed 2 weeks ago, his gol bladder removed a week and a half ago, and he is now on dialysis, he has a machine breathing for him because he cannot do so on his own, his blood pressure is through the roof, and he has gangrene on his upper lip and it has almost taken over his entire tongue now. It will continue to eat him up.

How hard is it to make the decision to take someone off of life support when the person is brain-dead and not responding at all? How much harder would it be to make that same decision when the person is completely aware of everything that is happening, and everything everyone is saying? "we're going to decide that you will die today".

My grandpa is not ready to die, he thinks he will be fine, nobody wants to tell him that the decision is going to be made tomorrow. He won't be fine, there is no possible way that he will recover from this.

Christmas season

2008-11-13T16:42:00.000-08:00

I love the decorations in all the stores and in the mall, I love the cheerful music on the radio, I love people giving to other people and helping other people. What I do not like is the actual day of Christmas. I am not a Christmas present giver, and I do not really feel comfortable with receiving gifts either. I would rather give someone a gift just because I feel like it, just because I saw something that reminded me of someone so I got it for them, not feel obligated to get them gifts on a particular day. I would rather have the Christmas season all year round if it meant that people would be more cheerful and loving to one another. If we got rid of the presents and just gave of ourselves rather than giving objects, I would not object to Christmas day so much.

What is Christmas anyway? Before you start yelling at me, let me clarify.

First of all: Christmas day is supposed to symbolize the birth of Christ, right? Correct me if I'm wrong.

Secondly: Time before Christ was born was known as Before Christ (a.k.a. B.C.) When Christ was born is when the current calendar started, right? So wouldn't January 1st be also symbolizing Christ's birth? Am I wrong? Is that not when A.D. started?

Thirdly: As far as I'm aware, Christ was actually born on April 6th wasn't he? That's what the bible says, right? So shouldn't that be the day that we celebrate the birth of Christ? Not December 25th or January 1st. So technically the first of the year shouldn't be till April because April 5th should still have been B.C.

I'll just go on enjoying the holiday season without enjoying Christmas, because to me, it really doesn't mean anything. I enjoy the fact that Christ was born, but I would rather enjoy it on a daily basis instead of giving gifts on a particular day to celebrate it.

Love you all and Happy Holidays. Thanks for reading my blog. That's enough of a gift for me.

The new President elect

2008-11-05T14:17:00.000-08:00

So, as we have all heard by now, Obama will be our next president of these united states. I respect and accept the fact that the majority of our country has voted in favor of his presidency. Although I do feel uncomfortable about what might happen next, I will support the decisions that will be made. I love this country and I respect our ability to vote. I did vote, and even though I did not agree with the things both candidates had to offer, I had to choose one. It doesn't matter who I chose now, it only matters who won now. I hope that everyone else will be willing to accept our new president and also be willing to support him more faithfully than they have supported our current president. It was and is our choice, RESPECT the democracy that was set before us!

Self-fulfilling prophecy

2008-10-31T08:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took a polygraph test for a second job that I was applying for. I did not actually have time for the second job, but I felt I had an obligation to myself to try for the job just the same.

For the job I was required to take the polygraph test, I failed. Now, don't go thinking that I am a bad person for lying on the test or feeling bad for me because you think I fell victim to the 4% defective rate of polygraph tests. I don't think that I fall into either of these categories. I think it was my own fault for failing.

I was so nervous for the past week knowing that I was going to have to take this test. I blame the nervousness on the new television game show that requires people to undergo the lie-detector test in order to win money.

I was so nervous that I would accidentally lie, so I was paying extra attention to not lie about anything. Naturally when the guy asked me "are you going to lie on this test?" I said "no". I was concentrating so hard to be absolutely sure that I wasn't lying about anything, that I was so nervous that it came up as a lie. lol. That is why I call this the self-fulfilling prophecy. I was so sure that I might accidentally lie in the test that the test showed my results as lying.

That question and the question "is your first name Kjersty" were the ones that came up as me lying. He asked all the questions about 4 times each and every time the test results said that I was lying about my own name being Kjersty. Odd isn't it?

I don't think I got the job. That's ok though. I like the job I have.

Require some assistance

2008-10-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

So I got my laptop cleaned up, so now it has no spyware on it, but I don't know what the dude did to my mouse. The scroll buttons don't work anymore. It doesn't scroll up or scroll down or sideways. Nope, nothing. And when I am reading my book on my computer, I hate having to move the mouse over to the scroll bar everytime it moves off of it. I like to be able to just scroll down with the lazy click of my scroll button. I already tried going to the control panel and going to the mouse options. It doesn't say anything about the scroll thing. Please help if you can.

Body World Exhibit

2008-10-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

I went to the Leonardo where they had the Body Exhibit. It was really neat. After going to it, I do not understand why so many parents are so worried about it being inappropriate for their children. It is not scary or gruesome at all. It is actually quite hard to think of the people as people at all. It just seems like they are plastic, which basically they are now. They are injected with some sort of plastic so it petrifies them in the posed positions. It is so interesting. There isn't anything bad about it. I would definitely take an elementary school class to it without hesitation. If the people were worried about the private anatomy being visible by their children, then I really think those parents need to grow up. If their kids don't know that boys are different than girls, then I think those kids are going to have a massive amount of other problems in their lives. Looking at the muscles or fat in the inside of someones body, even in the private areas, is so interesting that they wont be thinking sexual things about it anyway. It is very tactfully displayed, it isn't bad at all. Don't take my word for it, judge it for yourself. If you are worried that your kids might see something inappropriate then go to it first. Its very amazing to see the way our bodies work for us.

Wonderful days

2008-10-02T08:04:00.000-07:00

I have been in the best mood for the past two days. I was in a bad mood pretty much all last week and my co-workers noticed it as well. I did not realize that I was projecting my bad mood onto others, I thought I was keeping it in quite well. My co-workers referred to me as being "stuck up" last week. One of them also referred to me as being PMSing. I actually thought that PMS has never affected me, but now that I think about it, it probably was PMS. Its weird how I see from a whole different perspective when I'm in a good mood.
Yesterday I looked rockin'. I had my new high heels on, and a cute outfit and a sparkling smile. My good mood radiated to everyone at staff meeting, which is why they felt they could tell me that my attitude for the past few days was a bit stuck up. I think its great that they feel they can tell me things. I do not want to frighten people so they avoid telling me the truth.
Today I feel great as well. These shoes rock! $6 for some wicked cute high heels. I think that may be the root of my good mood today. Whatever works.

Beautiful, seductive power

2008-09-27T12:20:00.000-07:00

Power is the most fantastic thing in the world. Those who have power strive to never lose it, those who do not have it covet the power of others. I chose to find my own source of power. The power I chose came in the form of a Glock 27 sub-compact 40 caliber pistol. So much power in such a small package. The thought of it makes me smile. I am a pretty good aim, but as my hand gets sore my aim gets worse. Hopefully I will never have to be in a situation where I have to shoot 50 bullets at something in order to gain control over it. My first 10 shots were the best. I got two directly at the bulls-eye.

The Day the Buildings Fell Down (re-posted from my blog in 2006)

2008-09-11T08:58:00.000-07:00

Marching band practice was my reason to be awake so early. 6 am was way too early for a Junior in high school to be awake, but I voluntarily agreed to put myself through it. It was very dark outside and very cold. I had arrived a few minutes early so the quiet morning was still mine. The stars were so bright against the dark sky that is seemed like the most perfect morning. This morning was like no other morning I had ever experienced, it was amazing. I would later find out that this morning truly was like no other in my lifetime, but for every reason opposite of what was going through my head at that point.At the other end of the country at that moment while I was standing in awe of the beautiful night sky a building had been crashed into by an airplane. I had nothing to complain about that compared anywhere close to what the people in New York were going through, but I was the one selfishly complaining about having to wake up early and be out in the cold.Math class was where I learned about the massive tragedy that had just occurred. I sat watching the television that I thought played a movie, but in fact it was reality. I didn't, or couldn't comprehend what the news reporter was telling me. Why would they say such things? People don't attack our country, this had to be some sort of accident. It was at that moment that I witnessed the second plane crash purposefully into the second building.My class watched in disbelief. Silently we sat, beginning to wonder if we would also die that day. Some cried, some got angry, and everyone wanted to call home to make sure their families were still okay. I just continued to sit quietly refusing to believe what I just saw. My eyes had to have been deceiving me. There is no way that people would dare to attack the United States of America...NO Possible way! The World Trade Towers, which I had never even heard of before this day, were pouring out smoke over the whole city. People were running and screaming like they would on an intense action film while we watched glued to the screen with a small grin on our faces knowing that it is just a movie. The scary part was that this wasn't a movie and we did not have grins on our faces. We had horror-stricken faces as the first tower started to fall. All the people in that building were dyeing and we were watching them die. All we could do was watch. There were people jumping out of the windows from the very top floor. They said it was raining people. I don't know how it would feel to have things be so extremely bad that the only logical answer is to jump out of a 110 floor building window. So many people were dyeing at that very moment, thousands of people, but I could do nothing, nothing to help them get out, nothing to ease their pain. Then the other one fell. How many people would have to die that day? People were comparing the severity of this event to Pearl harbor and the Civil War. Sad as this much destruction is, it wasn't the only bad thing that was happening. The pentagon had also been hit. A huge chunk of it was smashed into an unrecognizable void where more people died. That was when I heard the name Osama Bin Laden for the first time. How was it possible for a man to be capable of creating mass destruction to our country and we had no idea that he even existed? Shouldn't we know about these sort of people?The emotions were just running continuously through my brain as if it kept happening over and over again. For all I knew, they were coming to kill everyone that day. We have one of the biggest air force bases in the U.S. right here in my own city. Maybe they would destroy it as well.The day the buildings fell down I saw countless unimaginable things happen at my school. I saw people comforting people who they never would have even talk to before. I saw some popular, 'tough' guys cry, Most importantly, I saw people care for this country and for God again. Everywhere I went after that day the marquees on buildings said 'God Bless the USA' and the American flag was flying in front of every single building and most houses. It was like the fourth of July, except it was every day for at least a year. It was amazing. The terrorists tried to break our country apart, but instead they created more unity and pride for our country. Those people who died in those buildings were like heroes who mended out broken country, and the fire fighters who both lived and died were like super heroes who helped so many people live that would not have lived otherwise.I know there is a lot of controversy over war or no war, but the fact is that if we could remember the way we felt that day when we sat and watched that second plane hit the building, I am sure you would remember why we went to war in the first place. You can't mess with this country and expect us to stand back and watch them bring the war here. We had to keep it away from us. Do you want to live in a place where you can hear constant bombings and fighting going on just out your window? I don't.

Rain check

2008-08-25T14:36:00.000-07:00

I'm really sorry I haven't been blogging lately, and I would right now since I have a few minutes, but my life has been so full of work that I really haven't done anything blog-worthy. I promise to do something exciting in the next couple days that I will be able to blog about. Probably something related to my single life, like dating someone new or something like that. I've got someone in mind. Don't you fear. It will come soon. Love you all.

My new job

2008-07-25T12:27:00.001-07:00

First of all I would like to give thanks to Kristin for making this job possible. This job is freaking amazing. I love it. Whenever I am not at work, all I can think about is wanting to be at work, and when I am at work and about to get off of work, I just don't want to leave. I seriously could work there for 24 hour shifts and I wouldn't get annoyed with it. Yesterday when I first got there the kids took a half hour rest, then we went swimming, then we had dinner, then we went to a baseball game and also watched fireworks. How neat is this job? What other job on this planet can you just play all day and get paid for it...well, besides my girl scout job...where I happen to do the same exact thing except with girls...I guess I am in the right place, because it sure keeps me entertained.

The End

2008-07-17T14:55:00.000-07:00

What if we knew the exact day this world would end? Would we live our lives differently? If we knew it was in 4 years on December 21, 2012, on the day of the winter solstice, what would we do? Would we still have more children, knowing perfectly well that the earth will see horrible days before they even get to start school? Would we continue our education, start a career, or try to find the love of our lives, just to be killed in the horrible destruction a few years later?
What do we believe as Mormons? Do we honestly believe that Mormons will be the ONLY people left, not only that, but only the BEST Mormons, the ones that follow ever single rule? Except of course all of the children under 8 years old who haven't had the opportunity to be baptized. If that's true, and I can hardly believe that it is, there will be around 7278551595 people on this planet. Of all those 7 billion people, how many children under 8 years old will there be? How many good LDS-abiding adults will there be to take care of all those children after the parents and older siblings are all killed off? What is that?... probably a good thousand children for every surviving adult...right? How is that going to work? I honestly can say that I do not know what I believe anymore, I am so confused about life, religion, love, children, among so many other things. How can I decide what I believe to be true when there are so many things pointing me in all different directions? I can't make an educated decision, my brain is all mixed up. I don't know when the world is going to end, but if everyone is so certain that it is very close, I really think that I should figure some of these things out, like what I believe. I don't want to die before I find someone to love. I really don't want to have my own kids, because it just doesn't seem right for me to bring more kids into this world when there are already so many in the world that need a mom. I can be that mom for them. I really don't want to be the reason that more kids have to suffer without parents because I wasn't good enough when the world ended. I need to figure it out, I just don't know how.

Great Recipe I tried today

2008-07-12T20:37:00.000-07:00

Fruit Salsa and Cinnamon chips—
Ingredients:
Cinnamon Chips 1-2 bags flour tortillas
Butter flavored cooking spray (I used I can't believe its not butter spray)
2 cups sugar ½ cup Cinnamon (I used splenda and cinnamon)
Directions:
Cut your tortillas into chip sized wedges or strips
Spray one side of the tortillas strip with butter spray (I laid them on the cookie sheet I cooked them on) and then place in a bag containing the combination of Sugar and Cinnamon mixture. Shake the strip in the bag until the one side is coated in cinnamon sugar (kids like doing that part). Place on cookie sheet (on a sheet of foil) and bake in batches at 350° until the edges get slightly tan (it took about 16-17 minutes per batch, I also turned the chips half way through the time). You want the chip to be crispy when it cools but not burnt (Make sure you keep an eye on them). Keep up the process until you have as many chips as you want. You may need to change the foil. You can either dump them into a big brown paper bag or onto wax paper on the counter. Once the chips are cool, place in a plastic bag—make sure they are thoroughly cooled before you put them into a bag or condensation with accumulate in the bag and you will have a soggy mess instead of crispy chips. They might get stale after a week or so.

Fruit Salsa
1 apple
1 pear
1-2 cups strawberries (depends on how much you like strawberries)
1-2 Kiwi
1 Peach
1 Orange
(I added 1 banana as well)
2 Tablespoons lemon or lime juice
1-2 Tablespoons of sugar and cinnamon mixture from making the chips For the Salsa, you can use any fruit which is in season. Only use bananas if you are going to serve the salsa immediately, they tend to go bad quickly and make the whole thing slimy. I have not tried mango, but I think it might be interesting, make it a little more tropical. Basically you put your lemon or lime juice in large bowl, get a TV tray and put on a movie that you like, and dice all your fruit into extremely small pieces—Trust me, you want the movie on because this takes a while. Here's a friendly warning, don't try to dice your fruit in a processor or blender . . . it is difficult to get the fruit into little pieces without turning it into fruit purée. It is worth all the dicing, trust me. As you dice the fruit, put it in the bowl with the lemon or lime juice, tossing it in the juice—this keeps the diced fruit from turning brown. Once all your fruit is in the bowl, zest your orange into the bowl and then squeeze the juice from the orange over the fruit (you may be tempted to add some of the meat from the orange but don't do it—have you ever tried to dice an orange?). Add some of the cinnamon sugar mixture from the chip making extravaganza to taste (there is a lot of tasting in this process). Mix everything together, cover it, and put in the refrigerator until you are ready. It is best if you can at least let it sit over night in the frig, it gives it a chance to juice up and melt all the flavors together. This salsa is also excellent on waffles, over ice cream, with gram crackers, and off a spoon (or finger if no one is looking).

To be a probation officer

2008-07-09T11:28:00.000-07:00

The reason for my existence is to one day be a probation officer. I have been going to school for years to accomplish this goal. I have interviewed for a deputy probation officer job, which is pretty much the bottom of the food chain in the probation department. I have no complaints that I must start in this position to work my way up, but I have to be hired to be able to gain experience so I can work my way up. The thing is, they want someone who already has experience. How on earth am I supposed to get experience if I cannot get hired without it? How do people start in this business? I know for most jobs you have to 'know' someone....What if I don't know anyone? I know, and have been friends with a lot of police officers in my day, but that isn't going to help me get a job in probation. I need to know someone who can talk me up that works in juvenile corrections. I really want this job.
Today when I went for the interview it was the same procedure as the last time when I interviewed two months ago for the same position. I waited in the waiting room, then when they were ready for me, someone came down to bring me to the conference room where there were a panel of 4 people ready to interview me. 3 of the 4 people were the same ones that interviewed me last time, one of the guys, I am pretty sure I went to high school with, and I am also pretty sure that he didn't like me back then, nor did he seem to like me much today. He asked me the same questions that he asked me last time as if my answers last time fell short of par. I obliged by giving him different, but also true answers to his same questions. The other people asked me different questions than last time, and I felt like I answered them correctly, but then there was the new lady that was not there last time, and she wanted explanations of my answers. She was intriguing. I really appreciated the fact that she seemed to be paying attention to my answers, not just getting lost in my rambling. I really liked her, she should interview people more often. She is good at it. Not that the others weren't intimidating as well, but this lady was great, she kept me on my toes. I enjoyed having her interview me.
So finally to the point of this blog. I really really want this job. I want them to give me a chance. I really deserve a chance. I am not a push-over even though people who know me only see the push-over side of me. In a work situation I am a very different person. All I want is a chance to prove myself.

Stadium of Fire

2008-07-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you one thing, I am now converted as a blue man group fan. I have had them on my iPod for a while, but i tend to press the next button when they are playing. My reaction was significantly different seeing them live yesterday. They are fabulous performers, they were constantly engaging the audience with something new as each minute passed. Colors, musical drumming with odd objects, visual displays on the screens, as well as watching the actual blue colored men were all very captivating. I would very much like to go see them perform in Las Vegas now. I am sure I would be able to sit a bit closer in their home of the Venetian than I was able to at Lavell Edwards Stadium. The entire football field length is quite far and makes seeing the performers rather difficult.
Miley Cyrus, also known as Hannah Montana, also performed last night. She is the reason I was so excited to go. Yes, I am fully aware that she is only 15 years old, but who said that being a fan of a 15 year old was a bad thing? She was great. Her singing was good, and her hair was amazing. I covet her hair...yeah..I realize it is a sin to covet something, but you would too if you saw her flowing waterfalls of lusciousness bouncing so gracefully about. Even when she would fling her Head around and drag her hands through it, her hair would fall back into the perfect form of loose curls. It was ridiculous how great it looked.

The dude

2008-07-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have this commitment issue, or rather I am just scared off by guys who seem too interested in me. I really don't like it when guys think they can just ask me out and then after we go out they think they can just ask me out again.... Who told them that dating works like that? Ok, well maybe it does work like that usually, but not with me. A guy can ask me out once and then wait a LOONNNNNNNGGG time, and then perhaps ask me out again. If he calls me in a shorter amount of time I wont answer the phone when I see his name come up even if he calls 50 times, this does NOT, however, mean that he should call me from a different phone number. It mearly means that I don't want to talk to him, and when I answer because he calls me from a different number that I do not recognize and I hear his voice and I hang up....IT DOESN'T MEAN I HUNG UP ON ACCIDENT!!!! IT MEANS I STILL DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM!!! This is precicely the reason that I do not, and have not, told guys where I live since I was in high school. Guys just don't get it. It's like their brains have fallen out. Why do they not give up? For the love of all that is good on this planet, if I don't answer the phone when you call a lot of times and text a lot of times, you should probably stop trying. Move on!!!

Word Vomit

2008-06-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

When it comes to gossiping, I have been like the queen. I don't mean to gossip about peoples lives so much, but it just happens. I guess my own life doesn't compare to the excitement I feel that comes from other peoples lives. It's like word vomit, it just comes out without any help from anyone, I just talk about people without even thinking of the consequences. No more though. I have hurt too many people, too many close friends, and ruined too many of my own potential relationships with this evil word vomit. I can't keep on this way. I will lose everything dear to me. I know I deserve everything I got from all those people who I have gossiped about. I wont do it anymore. Secrets are sacred, and are asked to be kept that way for a reason. Secrets will usually hurt people or ruin surprises when they are told to other people. I have ruined so many surprises because of my bad habit. I truly am sorry for every secret I have told, for every ending to a movie or book that I have spoiled, and for every time that I have passed on a rumor whether I knew it to be true or not. It has never been my place to tell. I don't expect to be forgiven or trusted by the people I have hurt, but I would like everyone to know that It will never happen again. My heart can't take hurting anyone else that I care about.

The Dream that Haunts My Heart

2008-06-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream about a man who my heart cares for very deeply. He is someone I know to be the love of my life, so why was I so upset in my dream? The dream as far as I can remember is as follows:I was in my home on the third floor in my room, high above where a party was being held for my dear love. I was not with him, nor did I want to see him. I did not want the celebration to be taking place at my house, but there the people stood below my window, so cheerful for the person I dispised so much and yet my heart still longed to be with his. I refused to attend the celebration multiple times when people came upstairs to my room to ask why I was not there. I ran down to the basement of the house to hide from the guests who would not give up on trying to make me come with them to the party outside. When I got to the basement with tears streaming from my eyes, the man who I wanted to see the least of all was already hiding in some sort of loft or attic in the ceiling of the basement. He opened the door and peeked out and told me that he wanted me back, and he wanted to be near me because he loved me so much. I yelled to him that I hated him, that I did not want to see him, and I could not stand him. I was so upset, and I do not think that I really hated him, but my heart was so hurt that I wanted his to hurt too. No matter how much I told him that I hated him it did not make me feel any better, it made me feel worse, because as much as my heart was hurting, it was hurting so much more from the thought of not being with him. So thats my dream in a nutshell, I don't know what it means, if anyone has any suggestions of what a dream like this it telling me I would love to hear your ideas. I don't know what kind of celebration it was, but I know it was for him. It wasn't me that was throwing the party for him even though it was at my house. This isn't even a description of my real house, just the house that happened to be mine in the dream. I hope someone can help me figure this one out. Thanks.

Perfect Days

2008-05-15T12:27:00.000-07:00

Whenever perfect days come around, like perfect weather or perfect clear morning with the stars lighting up the sky so brightly, it has always in my lifetime been a sign that somewhere in the world there is a massive struggle to survive some horrible event that has taken place. How can so much beauty bring so much misery and pain. As Yoda once put it "I see pain, terrible pain." I don't like beautiful days, I like rainy days with overcast skies, damp and dark grass and puddles on the roadside. If having gloomy days is what keeps the bad from coming, then I would live thousands of gloomy days just so people can survive this harsh world we call life. I know I am not doing anything great with my life, but someday I hope to live for something, someone, anyone. I also hope to die the same way. If there is no good that will come from my death, then I refuse to die. There is no point, I cannot die without creating the circumstance for another to live better.

Where am I?

2008-05-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

Is there ever goging to be a time in my life when I am going to finally feel satisfied with how things are going? I constantly feel as if I am in the wrong place at the wrong time in my life. Where is the right place? Is there a right place? As of this particular time I don't believe there is a right place. Maybe the point of life isn't actually to be in the right place at the right time every second of every day as long as we find the one exact place at the exact moment of the one blissful time when we locate our soul mate. The moment when we get the fluttering stomach, the weak knees, the increased heartbeat, dreamy eyes, and the endless smile. I have had this moment, but I don't know who is was that I was looking for. Was my blissful moment missed because I failed to recognize the people in my surroundings?

Mark: Part deux

2008-04-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

On Labor Day, a few of my friends and I planned to go rollerblading at the park since we had no school. Mark was still a bit angry at me for gossiping about him a few weeks earlier so I asked Mike to invite him for me, since they were already friends. When he called, Mark's mom answered and said that he was still sleeping and she didn't want to wake him up. (He called around 10 a.m.) So we all went rollerblading without him. The next morning Mark wasn't at marching band practice and our band teacher told us that his mom had died the day before. I wished with everything I had that it was the other guy's mom who she was talking about, that had the same name as Mark. It couldn't be his mom, Mike just talked to him yesterday, the same day that she died. How could this happen to people I care about so much? It didn't make any sense to me. I kept denying it, the whole day, saying that it was a misunderstanding, knowing perfectly well that death isn't just a misunderstanding. Mark came back to school the next day in sort of a daze. I knew he was still mad at me, but I wanted to be there for him so badly. When he came to class and laid his head on his desk I just scratched his back. There really wasn't anything I could do. What does one do to comfort someone who had just lost his mother? My friends and I all went to the funeral on September 11, 2000. I hugged him, and his two brothers that were my friends from work, and I shook hands with the oldest brother who I had never met before. The next few weeks Mark was so mean and angry all the time, I know it was just his reaction to what had happened, but he took it out on everyone close to him. He said his mom came to him and told him that I would one day shoot myself in the head, one of my friends would be a prostitute, and one of my other friends was going to marry him and live in a car called the pimp-mobile...among a lot of other horrible things. I just wanted him to be himself again. I didn't want to see him hurting, or see him hurting other people either.

Dark and Broken

2008-04-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

So Mark and I were discussing his new engagement situation, so obviously he is blinded by everything that does not involve his future wife. His brothers hardly see him anymore, and he hasn't gone to see his dad in months who only lives about a mile away from him. His family does not know his fiance hardly at all, but yet Mark still expects them to like her. I cannot blame them for being suspicious considering the way his last marriage ended so badly, they just want to protect him since he is the baby of the family. I mearly suggested that he get together with his brothers more often so they can get to know her better, because they are important, and they will be there for him no matter what happens with his marriages. He proceeded to call me Dr. Phil, and mother Teresa, because I am being all caring and trying to give him advice. He then asks me what has happened to me, and he misses me being "dark and broken." I have been described as many things, but dark and broken has not ever been one of them. He said I used to be mysterious, and he liked that about me. I take that as I used to be miserable, because my life was messed up, I was going nowhere in life, I was a push-over, and I didn't have anyone that cared about me. Now I am almost done with my bachelors degree, I don't let people walk all over me anymore, and I am happier about my life situation. He doesn't like that I am in a satisfactory position in my life, I don't know why, its not like he wants to be with me anyway, so why does he care. Anyway, so I pissed him off really badly this morning, so maybe it will remind him why he should always be faithful to his fiance.

Mark: The beginning Part 1

2008-04-04T12:06:00.000-07:00

Mark was just a super cute 16 year old eye-candy who played the drums in our school marching band. I, a 15 year old flute player, would stare at him while we were marching in parades, but I never talked to him. I was friends with his 19 and 21 year old brothers who worked at the same mall as me, but I did not know at the time that he was their brother. There was this other guy, Leo, who kept asking me out and I wanted nothing to do with him, so I was telling these guys about it one day at work, and they suggested that I pretend to be dating their younger brother who went to the same school as me. That night they talked to him, and he agreed, so the next day he came to the mall to meet me(his new girlfriend). Believe me when I say it was the shock of my life when I realized it was the cute guy I had been staring at in marching band for the past few months. My heart was racing and I was blushing so badly, not to mention I was humiliated that I was in my fast food uniform. I couldn't wait to start pretending to be his girlfriend. The first day of school we realized we had a class together, as well as with Leo, so we decided this would be the perfect opportunity to let it be known that we were together. We were talking to a girl who I disliked very much within earshot of Leo, and she asked me how I knew Mark, and Mark said, she's my girlfriend. Oh how my heart fluttered.(isn't that the dream of every teen-age girl...to have the cutest guy in school claim her as his girlfriend? and on top of that he was saying it to the girl that I disliked the most) The girl looked astonished that a nerdy girl like me could ever possibly be dating Mark. It was like a slap in the face to her....it was awesome! This plan worked marvelously for the intended purpose of getting Leo off my case, and as an added bonus, it did wonders for my self-esteem. If only all wonderful things could stay wonderful forever. Unfortunately all good things must come to an end...thanks to my addiction of gossiping.

Hangin' around: waiting for the one

2008-03-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

The weird thing is, I don't care that he doesn't talk to me. I don't feel like I have been abandoned and I don't feel alone without him. I know that I will be with him one day. Just because we aren't together right now doesn't mean we never will be. He is probably holding hands with some skinny, little emo chick, and I am okay with that. I am not ready for him right now in my life either. I just need someone...